"No one's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since Nam" - Jonah Hill

Well... it has been 1,312 days since my last post, so I figured I'd give this another go. Once again these are my random ass thoughts... deal with it.

The other day I came to the realization that the movie Machete is a family friendly movie that teaches life lessons that children need to know. Here are a few of my reasons...

1 - If you need to repel out a window and there's no rope, someones intestines will work just fine.
2 - Apparently burritos and tacos mean the same thing to Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez.
3 - Never ever and I mean ever be the sidekick with no name... you'll get yo ass shot up.
4 - Nuns can shoot weapons of death that are meant to kill people out of the hand's of the wielders and fall safely to the ground with their apparent holy bullets.
5 - Always be yourself... I mean shit, Lindsey Lohan got to play herself, a drugged out whore... why fight it?
6 - If you're eating a burrito/taco while fighting... you will be invincible.
7 - Apparently if you have a samurai sword and you move it in its scabbard it makes the kick-ass 6 Million Dollar Man noise.
8 - In Texas it can become so hot you don't even need a freaking pan to fry and egg.
9 - If you are determined to be She, the mythical character who fights for immigrants of all types, you can get shot in the eye with a 45 caliber bullet and not have it destroy your brain... all you need is a eye patch and you're good to go.

And last, but not least...

10 - Never under any circumstance screw with the wrong Mexican... it will turn out very bad.


I also saw Piranha 3D... I must say one of the worst flicks I've seen, but it may have also been one of the funniest ones as well. I mean how many movies have Doc Brown as a crazy fish dude... the babysitter from Adventures in Babysitting as a sheriff, the fat kid from Stand by me as a porn producer, a bunch of Porn Stars that get their asses killed (hell one loses her implants), and etc. After having people hype it up to me about how many naked people were in it, I was a bit disappointed to be honest... the hot ass british chick (Kelly Brook) needed a lot more screen time.

On Wednesday my car was hit on the 134 on my way home from work... my SUV drove away with some metal damage, but mainly just a screwed up bumper. Her PT Cruiser on the hand, the cop and I had to push her car off the road to get it out of traffic. So unfortunately she's pretty screwed.

I also had some friends come down to stay over this last weekend as we were having a fantasy football draft at a bar in Culver City. It's a decently big money league so they can be pretty hardcore. Some of the negatives of their visit would be when they are together they always try and one up the other doing jacked up shit. Hell I was basically humped in my recliner, almost had my freaking toes licked till I kicked him in the head, and some other random crap. The two of them claim they would both lose in a game of Gay Chicken in that neither would admit defeat and would end up going all the way... they are a rather strange pair.

Currently I'm going on 72 hours of no sleep so I don't really feel I'm on my game in terms of even entertaining myself with this post. So hopefully when I post again maybe I'll get my fat ass to chuckle.

Evening bitches...

"Attention restaurant customers: Testicles. That is all." - Peter Griffin

Well it has yet again been a long ass time since I actually posted anything which could either show you that I am lazy beyond belief, I have no short term memory, or I'm way to interested in getting my fucking Sunkist Orange Slurpee from 7 Eleven to care...

Ok so on to some new news... I got back here in early January and had a damn nice time not being in school for almost a month. My friend Jack came up here for a weekend and we played the part of tourist checking out L.A. and etc. Went to Grauman's Chinese Theater and while outside this assbag walked up and put his arm around Jack and said take a pic... I debated it at first, but he looked like he was only one of the Bus Tour people and then did the same damn thing to me. Of course after this crap and then tells us they work for tips out there... This guy was wearing a fucking suit jacket and some yellowish eyes and a ear piece like he was in the secret service or something. To this day I've tried to figure out who the hell that man was and it still pisses me off that he leached his way in there for a buck.

Moving on... when Jack left I think I slept in almost every single day to like 2pm up till I started back to school, I swear it was glorious. I think Vince, John, and I would play Halo 2 online for like 6 hours a day... it was like I had no care in the world.

On a side note I finally ate at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in Hollywood. I hear it on a Chris Rock comedy cd back in the day and always wondered if it was a real place and I've gotta Buckwheat Waffles are so much better than regular ones it isn't even funny. Like Will Ferrell's character Ricky Bobby when he first got to drive the race car I think I had a chubby... well that's a lie, I just said that cause it even gave me a laugh, maybe it will for you too.

For some ungodly reason I have the song Goofy Goober stuck in my head... for those that don't know it is from The Sponge Bobsquare Pants Movie and they yell "I'm a Goofy Goober, ROCK!" with the Twisted Sister song "I wanna Rock" as the background. I was saying it walking down the hallway coming back from the can and some undergrad here just stared at me as I walked by.

Currently I'm sitting in an editing booth, waiting for this damn DVD to burn after multiple tries and it is finally going. I've got a number of things I have to do before 4pm tomorrow (I have to post my Character "Spine", and etc for the Open Scene I was given and I have my Audio Design course at 4pm as well). I think after this crap burns I'm gonna write out some weird shit probably about a Drunken Southern Who likes to Run over Armadillo's and Wear them as Body Armor for his LOTR Costume and the other is Card Caring Memeber of the NRA, but only because he wanted Charlton Heston's autograph. Yeah... those are my characters background, now I need to find to people to play them and act out some dialogue that is bland and boring, but give me the funny subtext I'm looking for.

Considering it is 4:22am here, meaning 6:22am for most of you I think I'm gonna call it a night so to speak.

Later Mofo's... Later.

"Damn that rattled my sphincter" - Kevin Hefferman (Sheev - Dukes of Hazzard)

Well after sending over a total of 8 emails to blogger they finally got back to me and now I know how to log back into this damn thing.

On to a story I promised to tell a ways back...

When I first moved her my mother came with me to help me unpack and get settled and etc. One day we decided to quit a bit early and grab a sandwhich from Schlotzky's and we entered and after I ordered my food I was approached by some tattooed mexican lady and she wanted to know what I was doing later tonight. It caught me a tad off guard and said something along the lines about how I couldn't because I was with family and etc. We were probably only half way done with our meal when we were interrupted by the same woman. This time she said "So you gonna dumb the old broad yet or what?"

The statement itself shocked the shit out of me. I obviously told her no and she walked off, but when she was leaving I saw her get into her car. The windshield had "Royal Bitch" as a sticker on it. I guess that told me exactly what I needed to know about that crazy woman.

More stories still to come...

Later mofo's... later.

"Or, imagine, being able to be magically whisked away to... Delaware... Hi I'm in Delaware" - Wayne Campbell

Well I've got a few stories to tell today. Currently it is 1230 in the AM and you're reading Prospectives...

On Saturday of last week I took it upon myself to finish a video project that I was assigned. Badham told us we need to find a "real person", we couldn't stage it or anything. We had to film them doing something that revealed something about their character. He didn't want us to tell them what we were doing if we could, that way they don't play it up or try to hide anything. I decided to scope out the local Starbuck's, being that people from all area seem to come there (Crazy/Normal, Repub/Democ, and etc). Well I get my coffee and then proceed to film from my car and I spotted this one woman who I think might be a good person for this. I wasn't even on her for about 15-20 seconds when she just went crazy and started cursing at me. She also managed to chuck her purse at me and had one hell of an aim I might add. Her friends had to restrain her and I slowly faded into the parking lot and walked home.

Being that I got completely side tracked and that it is 340am here I'm gonna add the other couple of stories here in the next day or so.

Word mofo's... word.

"Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that the jackpot" - Peter LaFleur

Technically I opened this blog on Saturday (I think) and left it open only to actually write in it on Sunday at 330am my time. Today marks the first day of our orientation here at Chapman and I have to be there for a freaking tour of the Chapman campus... personally I think it is crap since I know where the buildings are due to driving my ass all over the place looking for the DPS and the Registrar's Office. Come 11:30 I'll joined by at least some others like myself who probably feel this portion is meaningless, but what the hell huh.

I then have a "mixer" from 6-8pm where I meet people, but we have like 3 others during the period of the week as well with the same goal and description... it does make one wonder. I think it is on Wednesday where I actually have to watch tapings of The Cosby Show, Step by Step, and Facts of Life because a new prof here did something on each of these shows... A guy I've met here, John, has decided that he will watch as many episodes of Step by Step just to keep this old man on his toes. How he hopes to accomplish this is anyones guess. I just remember that it had that one dude from the Kickboxer movies who also beat his wife a ton and was arrested numerous times... and to think he was the fun loving jackass who showed everyone what "family" always was on that show.

Considering it is 330am now, aka 530am for most of you chumps, I think I'm gonna hit the sack. Don't think I need showcase my normal self on the first day.

Word mofo's... word.

"Come on Kate, time to put your mouth where our balls are" - Peter LaFleur

Well once again it has been about 3-4 months since my last posting, I think I'll chalk this one up to complete laziness and the fact I moved. As for what pours out of my head on to this thing, is anyone's guess. I tend to jump around here and there and sometimes go on a streak that is in need of a swift kick to the head.

So far the area is interesting, but each weekend some asshole gets something stuck in the garbage smasher and it just makes noise all damn night. If I find out who it is I'm gonna take my time, learning all I can about them from a safe distance and then drop a bomb (metaphorically speaking of course) on them. I do find it funny that they bitch when it is only 80 degrees or so out there... they claim that it is to hot. I just want to slap them with a burlap strap or something. 100+ is hot and they never get that out here. That they complain when it drops to 60 saying it is cold. Cold is Fargo in Feb. How could such a large collection of people be weird.

Granted this is way behind in terms of current events, but does anyone else think that Star Jones is ugly as sin now that she's lost all that weight? Not that was she wasn't before, but I mean... yikes. She looks like she's almost 60 with her skin pulled back so far... I feel like I'm watching a walking zombie. The other day I was flipping the channels and saw her on HGTV and chills went down my spine. That woman is almost as scary as Nordic Track Norris from my middle school.

I have often wondered if I was ever ran a sports book if I would be the violent or pacifist one. Personally I'd like to think I'd bash your kneecaps in for not paying, but even sometimes just for my own amusement... is that wrong?

Moving to the west coast seems to have messed with my internal clock because I keep getting up at what my father would call "normal" times. I don't think I've been up at 8am so much in my damn life. Course that will all change here in about 2 weeks, but till then I feel sleep is a priority.

Ohh the other night when I was at Chili's I was sitting at the bar enjoying a baseball game when a woman approached me. I of course being the nice person I am stopped watching my game and was more or less shocked by what I saw. She had on a white tank top on and a black bra so it was more or less pointless, but that isn't even the weird part. The woman had more tattoos on her arms, shoulders, and chest that I thought I was on an episode of Miami Ink... that seriously freaked me out. I'm sure the expression on my face was priceless because she responded with "What?" I gave her some excuse that I pulled out of my ass and she was then on her way. For the next 20 min the bartender had some fun at my expense. Her favorite one seemed to be that I must have visited her on a "conjugal" visit. I of course being the lover of humor that I am traded shots and by the end actually found out she lives in the same building as I do...

"Dude I just pissed in the humidifier" - Dane Cook

Damn... I just looked at the last time I actually wrote something on here and I'm actually shocked... I could have sworn it was longer than that considering the lazy bastard that I am.

Moving on... today was unlike any that I've had in a long while. I woke up at about 11am or so and just decided I wasn't moving... next thing I know it is almost 4pm. Hell I was getting up at about the time most of you were getting ready to leave work or were getting back from class. Damn it was nice. I've gotta get this in while I can though, cause it isn't gonna last long once I move to Cali this summer.

I had a mildly disturbing conversation with a woman at the bar the other night... she told me that a guy she dated actually shaved his chest... while that in itself isn't creepy, however what he shaved it into is... depending on his mood it could vary from something like the freaking bat signal to his first initial, but that wasn't even the strangest part... this guy actually shaved it to look like a bra/bikini top one time, scared the living hell out of her. Think about that... now I can't say it is true or not or if she was just trying to get a laugh, I don't know. I probably do that from time to time as well, but as George Costanza would say "It isn't a lie... if you believe it."

I'm sitting here at 4:11 in the am asking myself what in the hell I'm doing, but I don't seem to have an answer. Currently pissed about having a softball game that I have to shoot tomorrow during the NFL Draft. Yes I'm one of those people that will sit there till that crap is taken off ESPN, ESPN 2, or whatever the hell else they put it on. It's like my version of Oprah only I see it once a year instead of every freaking day of the week. I think I will refrain from my Oprah bashing today... that could take a few days.

I've probably been on myspace more in the last three days than I had been in the previous two years or so that I've been on there. Yikes.

Later mofos... later.