"No one's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since Nam" - Jonah Hill
Well... it has been 1,312 days since my last post, so I figured I'd give this another go. Once again these are my random ass thoughts... deal with it.
The other day I came to the realization that the movie Machete is a family friendly movie that teaches life lessons that children need to know. Here are a few of my reasons...
1 - If you need to repel out a window and there's no rope, someones intestines will work just fine.
2 - Apparently burritos and tacos mean the same thing to Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez.
3 - Never ever and I mean ever be the sidekick with no name... you'll get yo ass shot up.
4 - Nuns can shoot weapons of death that are meant to kill people out of the hand's of the wielders and fall safely to the ground with their apparent holy bullets.
5 - Always be yourself... I mean shit, Lindsey Lohan got to play herself, a drugged out whore... why fight it?
6 - If you're eating a burrito/taco while fighting... you will be invincible.
7 - Apparently if you have a samurai sword and you move it in its scabbard it makes the kick-ass 6 Million Dollar Man noise.
8 - In Texas it can become so hot you don't even need a freaking pan to fry and egg.
9 - If you are determined to be She, the mythical character who fights for immigrants of all types, you can get shot in the eye with a 45 caliber bullet and not have it destroy your brain... all you need is a eye patch and you're good to go.
And last, but not least...
10 - Never under any circumstance screw with the wrong Mexican... it will turn out very bad.
I also saw Piranha 3D... I must say one of the worst flicks I've seen, but it may have also been one of the funniest ones as well. I mean how many movies have Doc Brown as a crazy fish dude... the babysitter from Adventures in Babysitting as a sheriff, the fat kid from Stand by me as a porn producer, a bunch of Porn Stars that get their asses killed (hell one loses her implants), and etc. After having people hype it up to me about how many naked people were in it, I was a bit disappointed to be honest... the hot ass british chick (Kelly Brook) needed a lot more screen time.
On Wednesday my car was hit on the 134 on my way home from work... my SUV drove away with some metal damage, but mainly just a screwed up bumper. Her PT Cruiser on the hand, the cop and I had to push her car off the road to get it out of traffic. So unfortunately she's pretty screwed.
I also had some friends come down to stay over this last weekend as we were having a fantasy football draft at a bar in Culver City. It's a decently big money league so they can be pretty hardcore. Some of the negatives of their visit would be when they are together they always try and one up the other doing jacked up shit. Hell I was basically humped in my recliner, almost had my freaking toes licked till I kicked him in the head, and some other random crap. The two of them claim they would both lose in a game of Gay Chicken in that neither would admit defeat and would end up going all the way... they are a rather strange pair.
Currently I'm going on 72 hours of no sleep so I don't really feel I'm on my game in terms of even entertaining myself with this post. So hopefully when I post again maybe I'll get my fat ass to chuckle.
Evening bitches...
The other day I came to the realization that the movie Machete is a family friendly movie that teaches life lessons that children need to know. Here are a few of my reasons...
1 - If you need to repel out a window and there's no rope, someones intestines will work just fine.
2 - Apparently burritos and tacos mean the same thing to Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez.
3 - Never ever and I mean ever be the sidekick with no name... you'll get yo ass shot up.
4 - Nuns can shoot weapons of death that are meant to kill people out of the hand's of the wielders and fall safely to the ground with their apparent holy bullets.
5 - Always be yourself... I mean shit, Lindsey Lohan got to play herself, a drugged out whore... why fight it?
6 - If you're eating a burrito/taco while fighting... you will be invincible.
7 - Apparently if you have a samurai sword and you move it in its scabbard it makes the kick-ass 6 Million Dollar Man noise.
8 - In Texas it can become so hot you don't even need a freaking pan to fry and egg.
9 - If you are determined to be She, the mythical character who fights for immigrants of all types, you can get shot in the eye with a 45 caliber bullet and not have it destroy your brain... all you need is a eye patch and you're good to go.
And last, but not least...
10 - Never under any circumstance screw with the wrong Mexican... it will turn out very bad.
I also saw Piranha 3D... I must say one of the worst flicks I've seen, but it may have also been one of the funniest ones as well. I mean how many movies have Doc Brown as a crazy fish dude... the babysitter from Adventures in Babysitting as a sheriff, the fat kid from Stand by me as a porn producer, a bunch of Porn Stars that get their asses killed (hell one loses her implants), and etc. After having people hype it up to me about how many naked people were in it, I was a bit disappointed to be honest... the hot ass british chick (Kelly Brook) needed a lot more screen time.
On Wednesday my car was hit on the 134 on my way home from work... my SUV drove away with some metal damage, but mainly just a screwed up bumper. Her PT Cruiser on the hand, the cop and I had to push her car off the road to get it out of traffic. So unfortunately she's pretty screwed.
I also had some friends come down to stay over this last weekend as we were having a fantasy football draft at a bar in Culver City. It's a decently big money league so they can be pretty hardcore. Some of the negatives of their visit would be when they are together they always try and one up the other doing jacked up shit. Hell I was basically humped in my recliner, almost had my freaking toes licked till I kicked him in the head, and some other random crap. The two of them claim they would both lose in a game of Gay Chicken in that neither would admit defeat and would end up going all the way... they are a rather strange pair.
Currently I'm going on 72 hours of no sleep so I don't really feel I'm on my game in terms of even entertaining myself with this post. So hopefully when I post again maybe I'll get my fat ass to chuckle.
Evening bitches...
posted by Night Owls Unite... at 1:52 AM
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